Gregg Hartmann · Summit Investment Advisors
How to Talk to Aging Parents About Estate Planning & Long-Term Care
Talking about long-term care or estate planning with your parents might feel awkward. But waiting too long can leave everyone scrambling when a crisis hits.
If you're gathering with family over the holidays soon, this might be the right moment to start a gentle, thoughtful conversation.
You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need the right questions… asked with care and curiosity.
This guide gives you five ways to open the door, plus five missteps to avoid. Because how you ask is just as important as what you ask.
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Questions That Lead With Empathy
Ask About Preferences First
It’s tempting to lead with logistics, but that can feel like pressure. Start by focusing on their preferences.
✅ DO ask: “If you couldn’t live on your own anymore, what would you want?”
This shows respect for their autonomy. It opens the door to real conversation, not a shutdown.
❌ DON’T ask: “Have you thought about assisted living or a nursing home?”
This sounds like a decision has already been made. It puts people on the defensive and shuts down dialogue before it starts.
Focus on Caregiving, Not Endings
Hard conversations get easier when they aren’t framed around loss. Keep it supportive… not scary.
✅ DO ask: “If one of you needed care and the other didn’t, what would that look like?”
It starts a calm, practical conversation about real possibilities.
❌ DON’T ask: “What happens when one of you dies?”
It sounds harsh and final. That can stop the conversation cold.
Start With What’s Already in Place
Most people haven’t finished their estate planning. In fact, only 24% of Americans have a will in place.1 Starting here helps parents feel seen, not judged.
✅ DO ask: “What do you already have in place?”
It shows you trust they’ve taken some steps and opens the door for what’s next.
❌ DON’T ask: “You don’t have long-term care insurance, do you?”
That feels accusatory and can trigger guilt or shutdown.
Ask About Fears, Not Conditions
Many people diagnosed with dementia feel uncomfortable telling others, often because they’re afraid of being treated differently.2
That’s why it helps to ask about fears, not diagnoses. You’ll learn what really matters to them.
✅ DO ask: “What worries you most about getting older?”
It shows you care about their experience, not just the plan.
❌ DON’T ask: “Are you scared of getting dementia?”
It’s too specific and clinical. That kind of question can create anxiety or shame.
Invite Support, Don’t Assign Blame
Long-term care conversations can get complicated fast. Suggesting a financial advisor helps take pressure off both of you, and makes it easier to focus on the big picture.
✅ DO ask: “Would it help if we talked to a financial advisor together?”
It brings in professional help without making anyone feel judged or overwhelmed.
❌ DON’T ask: “Don’t you think you should talk to someone about this?”
That can sound like blame. It puts them on the spot and may make them shut down.
The best plans aren't made in crisis. They're made over coffee, with care, and with time to consider the options.
Start the Conversation That Matters Most
Pick a question from this guide. Use it during your next visit or chat.
The goal isn't to create a complete plan today. It's to open a door that stays open.
Many families find it helpful to involve a neutral third party – someone who knows the financial landscape, understands family dynamics, and can guide these conversations without the emotional weight.
Together, we can create a roadmap that gives your parents dignity, gives you clarity, and gives everyone confidence in what's ahead. We can also talk about connecting you with professionals like estate attorneys, care specialists, and additional resources to help round out a more complete plan.
The best plans aren't made in crisis. They're made over coffee, with care, and with time to consider the options.
If you'd like help mapping out a plan that aligns with your values and puts dignity at the forefront, let's figure it out together.
Sincerely,
Gregg Hartmann
Senior Wealth Manager
P.S. Sign up for my emails. My subscribers get my best insights.
Gregg Hartmann
Senior Wealth Manager
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Gregg Hartmann
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Sources
- Caring.com, 2025 [URL: https://www.caring.com/resources/wills-survey]
- Gerontological Society of America, 2025 [URL: https://doi.org/10.1093/geront/gnae186]
Risk Disclosure: Investing involves risk including the potential loss of principal. No investment strategy can guarantee a profit or protect against loss in periods of declining values. Past performance does not guarantee future results.
This material is for information purposes only and is not intended as an offer or solicitation with respect to the purchase or sale of any security. The content is developed from sources believed to be providing accurate information; no warranty, expressed or implied, is made regarding accuracy, adequacy, completeness, legality, reliability, or usefulness of any information. Consult your financial professional before making any investment decision. For illustrative use only.
This information is not intended to be a substitute for specific individualized tax advice. We suggest that you discuss your specific situation with a qualified tax professional.
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Gregg Hartmann
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